Leslie Journal: Feb 8, 2015

Diet Mt. Dews Consumed: 
1 as of 8:51am, but several chilled and at the ready, along with Keurig coffee to tackle the day
Weight: More than Zoey Deschanel, but less than Meghan Trainor
Bangs: Inactive
Time passed since Mom visit: 6 months and counting

A Cry for Help:
The same filling that has already been filled three times is out yet again. I can’t help but think this tooth just wants to be out of my mouth. I know teeth have feelings, but could a tooth be suicidal?  

On pants:
They are all entirely too snug, and I want to live in yoga apparel. Too bad I hate stretching. 
I hate pants. 

Ridin’ Dirty:
Sally Pontiac needs so much routine maintenance it’s not even funny. If only cars could be held together by love and intense prayer. 

Battle Royale (with Cheese):
Major shakeups on the job front are presenting opportunities to move a new direction or stay the course. Oh Captain, my captain I wish I had more time.  How do you convince someone with one foot out the door to stay? Can you? Is it time to grow up? Do we ever have job security???? 

For Ian...

but mostly, really and truly for Judy

10 things I hate about Dogs.

I hate the way you bark and bark.
I hate that you make a mess when you eat your food.

I hate early morning walks in the park....
and I really hate picking up your poop.

I hate carrying your short legs up the stairs.
I hate driving you around.
I really hate cleaning the sofa and lint rolling the hairs

I hate it when you make me laugh, and this strange new feeling I’ve found

Mostly I hate that I don’t hate you...
and that we don’t abandon (fur) family whether bark or purr or meow.

Jury Duty

Monday Feb, 24

After not being called for 12 years, I finally got the recording that my group WOULD report for duty.  I nearly forgot, was en-route to work and had to turn the car around, but I made it, just in time to watch 8 episodes of Property Virgins on HGTV (score).  I won't go into a long narrative about the actual crime myself - that's all below if you want to follow along (I'm happy to let the news media help out there).
 
Here are my findings:
 
1. Out of a pool of 50, at least 30 of the Norfolk residents had in some way been affected by gun violence, myself included. The question was broad and unbiased - just merely a show of hands if you or a family member, friend, or acquaintance had been in some way affected.
 
2. Jury of "your peers" is really not at all a jury of your actual peers. 
Really it's a group of 13 humans with: modge-podge availability; that do not watch the news; and are not stricken with diabetes, IBS, or just bullshit in general.  The latter being the most common ailment.
 
3. You cannot leave the courtroom to pee (or poo) until court scheduled recess. Gross, but legit concern.
 
4. Our lifestyle, backstories, and upbringings are as wildly unique and different as snowflakes. I can see where Dick Wolf (l&o) draws his endless piles of source material. 
 
5. You can go to court and watch almost any trial if you are interested in the judicial process. The Judge implied and encouraged it! You cannot bring your smartphone.
 
So here's the case I would have sat on had I been chosen:
 
http://hamptonroads.com/2012/08/linecutting-fight-prompted-fatal-rite-aid-shooting
and here
http://www.wvec.com/my-city/norfolk/Murder-suspect-accused-victim-of-cutting-in-line-at-Norfolk-Rite-Aid-166547396.html
 
and video of the actual event:

 

RAW VIDEO: Jurors shown surveillance video of shooting inside Norfolk pharmacy. ... Jurors are deliberating and are expected to decide whether he is guilty of manslaughter

WARNING: 13News Now has decided to show only the confrontation that led up to the shooting --> http://bit.ly/1jB66A3 
and the end?....
 
http://hamptonroads.com/2014/02/judge-declares-mistrial-norfolk-rite-aid-slaying
 
My opinion - totally preventable at any point in the storyline.
I imagine myself just saying - 'scuse me were you in line? or even just seeing someone agitated pacing around and maybe thinking
- I'd come back later.
 
If you remove the guns - maybe this is just a mismatched tussle with two douchebags arguing and knocking over some iron supplements.
 
What say ye OEF?  

Stuff - The 10 year anniversary edition.

It's hard to believe our little writing endeavor is 10 years old. In honor of our neglected masterpiece, I asked the girls to revisit this list from 2004 (without looking at the old one) in between editing, disease-cataloging, and faux-info-meme making. Folks grab your Snuggies, we're list writin' and revisiting.

Leslie's stuff = blue
Hench's Stuff = green
G's Stuff = purple (note: G is still composing her portion at the time of posting).

1.Word(s) that you really really hate:
Please + advise (when used in combination together) and fupa (which I didn't even know existed until my brother posted on facebook, thanks Larry).
Spunk, moist, headache

2. One place you would like to visit before you are too old to travel:
Vancouver and Glacier National Park.
Tahiti

3. One thing you believed in college that no longer holds true:
The career that makes you professionally happiest, may not necessarily be the one that affords you happiness after work. What I'm saying is: live your dreams, but make sure you can afford them.
That life stretches out before me with infinite time to do the things I want to do

4. One sound that will always make you smile sadly yet fondly:
I live near an airport and have for sometime, I like the way my mom claps her hands and runs to the door to see which plane is flying over.
The sound of a classic car

5. Word(s) that you really love:
Flotsam and Jetsam, genius, malevolent, zany, and tuna.
Summer, evening, grace, ocean

6. One book that you would recommend to anyone, anywhere:
Bossy Pants by Tina Fey.
The Given Day, by Dennis Lehane

7. One movie that was actually better than the book:
I'm definitely going with the Hunger Games on this one. I know, I'm risking being tossed in the stockade and having fish thrown at me by Muppets.
Still have to go with The Last of the Mohicans

8. One person who has shocked you by having a child out of wedlock:
None really - maybe one acquaintance on Instagram, but she was always a gypsy, so again not really that shocking.
Well, hmm...Jessica Simpson?

9. One person you think lives in a bad neighborhood so they can feel superior:
I have friends that live in Riverview (Norfolk) although I think it's because they like the zoo.
Nobody now

10. Song quote that expresses your feelings on current events or life in general:
I have a whole playlist of songs that are helping me survive "mid-thirties".
But in particular: Arcade Fire, The Suburbs (song)

So can you understand
Why I want a daughter while I'm still young?
I wanna hold her hand
And show her some beauty
Before this damage is done - Arcade Fire

"Feeling sick and helpless, lost the compass where 'self' is. I know what I gotta do, and I can't help it." -Macklemore

11. Actor/actress/celebrity that you feel irrational disdain for and why:
Not a big fan of Woody Allen - I don't get the appeal at all. Not my bag.
And the cast of Two and Half Men - no idea why that show is still on and the salaries are so high.
Sometimes I'm weirded out by Scarlet Johansen.

Most of my disdain is rational....maybe Blake Lively? She's a pretty rotten actress. Is she still a celebrity?

Things...

My favorite blogger stopped writing some time in May. Just threw down the THANK YOU - and the peace sign and headed out into the world, to live as before - the talented anonymous. I'm not hatin'..and it seems fair that she would disappear into the same microcosm I found her on...which subsequently was the result of me looking for "wines that taste like fruit juice" on a Google search.

It kind of reminded of Liz Lemon going to find her future best friend in the ladies room of Barnes & Noble. I'm all over the place today - but this is going somewhere better than the salad entries I promise!

I had two conversations with people whose opinion of me mattered, or that I thought mattered - and when I went to read my favorite blog entry (aka: Leslie's silent life counseling) I found it gone. 

My wino is gone, I have to read something else and I will HAVE to make a change.
So today, while aimlessly meandering around Facebook, and trying to find my way over, under, and through these too personal conversations. I found this one.

Change is like spring cleaning. There are a lot of things that you need to throw away so that your closet is clear enough to add space for new things.

What is one thing that you have to get rid of in your life closet in order to allow for space?

Whether it's people, places, things or weight, the goal is a HAPPY you for the future

from Shaun T
(the crazy exercise man that yells at you while doing complex jumping jacks).

So I'll take this part from my departed favorite blogger -

"You are you. Glorious mother-fuck​ing you."

and remember there are things besides weight that I need to lose.
Change is good.

Day 2

I had my 2nd of 7 cold emotionless lunches (lettuce).

+s 

1. healthy
2. not wasteful
3. cheap

-s 

1. cold (like today's weather)
2. soggy (also like today's weather)
3. rewarded self with not healthy mcdonald fries (and beer later)
4. was scolded for non-related over consumption of diet mt. dew....again

Notes to self:

The Wendy's by your job is closed for remodeling, don't even try it.

Beachbody workouts are different than running. 

I have no idea how to cook ahi tuna effectively.

Thoughts moving forward:

Maybe dumping pizza is not the answer. Is it as easy as just not eating an entire pizza? 

Lettuce forget the past!

On October 4th, after throwing away an innocent yet forgotten unopened bag of lettuce, Leslie Paxton vowed never to let produce go to waste again.  On October 5th, her best friend entrusted her with the world's largest bowl of fresh salad.  

Over the course of this week, I'm going to eat all this lettuce and keep my promise to the universe.  For health, for savings, for dignity.

This is the 2nd week of October 2013 - Humble readers - THIS is 7 days of salad. 

Let's tune out while turning up the radio...

 

I quietly deleted Facebook from my phone a few months ago, I'll be deleting it from my Ipad by weeks end. I cannot deactivate my account at this point because it's now literally a part of my job and randomly (at times) it can be enjoyable - but only in that way a college party is fun only once, but the magic is just not there if you go two nights in a row. (G, do you remember our theorem on isolated party magic?)

I can't advocate a Facebook diet for everybody but I can tell you I'm feeling a little better everyday.
I watched the fireworks at Harborfest with my eyeballs. I took pictures of my godsons (and my cat!) with my real camera. But my favorite thing was that - I was able to have a conversation with a friend, without already knowing everything. And all they knew about me was how many miles I'd ran due to Runkeeper (I've been running since 1998 btw).

I did not see the parties I wasn't invited too, the unsavory political opinions, or the countless parade of "selfies" from people that should have better things to do than take pictures of themselves.

If you need me, I'm in the same place. If you're worried, concerned, or miss me the number is still the same. If you want to chat all digital like - the green dot is on 50% of the day. If you want Chilli's, or No Frill - I'm your girl and if you want to run then say no more - my shoes are in the car.

:)

Playing is for the turds. I mean birds.

I have a confession.

I hate playing. I hate playing princesses. I hate playing dinosaurs. I hate playing trains. I hate playing tea party, and animals, and I hate playing grocery store with the cash register, although I hate that game a little less than others. I hate playing in the bathtub. I hate playing while we get ready for bed.

I dread hearing "Mommy, do you want to play with me?" in that sweet little voice. I feel so utterly guilty that I hate playing. I think I hide it well most of the time, when I force myself to say "Yes, of course I want to play with you!" I don't, I really don't! But I know I have to, and I know one day I'll be sad that Kai doesn't even want to look at me, let alone spend any time playing with me.

I know of one person that absolutely refuses to play with their kid. Just flat out won't play, tells him "Go play on your own." That feels too cruel. Kai does need to learn to play on her own, but not that way. I feel like that would crush a kid's spirit. I don't know this person firsthand; I wish I did so I could know if they are telling the truth, and if so, how do they live with the guilt when they see the disappointment on their kid's face??

My mom said I never liked to play by myself when I was a kid. Great. But at least I had a sibling. Kai only has her parents. And right now, she only wants me to play with her.

I come from a long line of sticks in the mud, which is why I think I hate playing. I didn't hate playing as a kid, but abhor it as an adult. But like much of my life now, my time is no longer my own.

So play I will. But you can't make me like it.

Freelance Evolution

Pride and Reluctance:
I’ve stopped and started writing this particular entry more times than I could count, but there in the unlikely place (at the bag of a bottom of Doritos, depression-flavor) was the beginning. I didn't want to hurt any feelings, or run anyone off - so OEF is the best home for this entry as I'm just talking to my "friends" and myself.  I may not know the “sexy” thing to say, but I know the “honest” thing. That’s as good of a starting point for a blog entry than anything else I can think of.

Imaginary Alter-Egos
The Lava-Pony of Lavaponyland - was born out of a joke I made to one Carol Ann Gardler eons ago in a time space where we were far less jaded and had less wrinkles around our eyes.  We had a friend that would destroy her perfectly kind-hearted boyfriends..and I had joked that she would ride that “pony right into the lava”.  I later realized I was being ridden into the lava professionally by well meaning freelance clients ( circa 2003). I was much greener and perfectly kind-hearted and heading towards a boiling demise. 

Meat is not a metaphor:
In 2003 I did my first “paid” freelance.  I worked on a 40 page (50 year) high school reunion book for two weeks and was paid in ham. You read that right, ham ...as in the canned meat.  If you give me a minimum wage for that time period - that would 40 x $8 per hour = $320. The client thought I did such a wonderful job, that she would pay me with meat.  Two weeks of my life..traded for meat and not even the sexy kind.  Imagine doing anything for two weeks and being paid nothing. I bought nothing. I travelled nowhere and  that “exposure” was laughable. Anyone that seen this project was well into their mid-late retirements.  I vowed never again.  I did no freelance after that for about 3 years. Fast forward 10 years later and I find myself in the same situation except worse, now I am ham-less with the added torture of social media.  I get to watch my deadbeat clients vacation and party - while I ask my mom to help me pay my utilities.  Hi, I'm Leslie and I am a doormat.

Beneficial Agreements: 
I had an understanding with my next and “only” freelance client after that - that I was not to ever be paid in trade or ham..only money.  Every agreement has went this way up until recently when I started getting “ham or nothing” again. 

Perspective:
I have a day-job and plan on keeping one well into my 70’s. Yes, I have to drive and eat briskly - but the rent is paid and the lights are on.  I like having medical insurance and the promise of retirement.  And this isn’t just any day job. If I were an actress I’d now be an A-lister, so I don’t have to star in any straight to dvds.  I love this job.  I choose it, not the Freelance after-party. 

Batteries not included:
I missed Halloween working on a “rush” project, that to date - I haven’t been paid for. My logic at the time was that I needed the money more than I needed the life experience. But folks..there’s no freelance job worth more than Halloween.  Even more devastating..I may not even be able to fit my She-Ra costume. What a waste of super powered nerd-bliss. Let’s hope I have better luck as Ravishing (rick) Leslie - Rude at the 80’s wrestler costume extravanganza. 

The Re-Up:
This was going to be my retirement from freelance blog. However - I have clients and friends that are fair and prompt and consider my time valuable.  They are worthwhile and fun. It’s not fair to them. So I’m not "retiring", I’m just restructuring. Moving forward I will require a contract and a deposit. The contract and deposit information will be available in the next two weeks for any interested parties as a downloadable pdf on Lavaponyland.  I’m not explicitly turning down “unpaid” pro-bono jobs - but if you need my help enough to request it without even the hope of paying me - I’m going to at least have to hear a case by case reason of why.  I need the option to accept or decline a project. 

Poker Face:
It’s my hope I haven’t lost any clients over showing my cards in this here piece of writing. If your project is only 50 bucks. It’s still gonna be 50 bucks. I’m just not starting it without a signature and some incentive.  As for friends, that’s always free. I prefer presence over presents anytime.   And if it’s quiet....that’s okay too. That's a sign I need to move on to other Leslie projects.  Like photoshopping goats' heads on bikini models..or watching Zombie tv shows with half-open eyes. Hey..I didn’t say they were noble projects.

Laters -

L