On Mitch Hedberg:
I hesitated to post about this yesterday for morbid fear it was an early April Fools joke. I am all-encompassingly* bummed out about this. For those not in the know, and really, just to make myself smile, Mitch Hedberg was a ridiculously awesome rockstar of a comedian who passed away the night before last. I’ve read a few articles on the internets trying to sum up what kind of comedian he was, comparing him to Steven Wright, describing his delivery as “spacy staccato”, whatever that’s supposed to mean. I even found futilely trying to describe him to Leslie yesterday, but I’m totally at a loss. He was just a true original. His jokes made my stoner cousin and 77 year old grandmother laugh like silly bitches at the same time. That kind of skill gets my vote.
I know his jokes are being thrown up everywhere, and making away messages both funny and sad at the same time, but here’s a joke of Mitch’s that made my brother, Chet, and I laugh until we cried one night:
"In England Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say “here comes that frog” in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right”
On my brothers who aren’t jerks, Butch & Brian:
I love them. Butch because at 28, he still would rather take a bath than a shower, and he can make a gourmet meal out of pretty much ANYTHING you’ve got in your cupboard. Brian, because when he was away on one of his earlier cruises with the Navy he’d dutifully write me a real letter on paper every week just to bullshit. One time, he had been out enjoying the local scenery (re: drinking egregious amounts of beer) in Greece or Italy or something and got back to the ship 10 minutes before mail was going out. He wrote a fairly complex and mostly incoherent letter to me that to this day, ten years later, is still one of my most prized possessions. In it (I think) he sang my praises as the best sister of any sister in existence, and then at one point asked if I was listening to him. In writing. Also, he signed that letter “Dr. Brian Moneybucks”. Sometimes I get bummed out that the other male that happened to come out of my mom’s junk isn’t as dope as Butch & Brian, but then I think most people don’t even have ONE bro as cool as either of my two, so I should be thankful. Plus, that’s one more person I’d have to buy Chrimmas presents for and we all know money is tight.
On iPods:
A few days ago I was desperately pleading my case for iPod need to a co-worker, who shrieked, “They’ve got you!”, then went on to explain how there are plenty of fine and dandy and much cheaper MP3 players out there. I can’t help it though. I check back at the Apple store at least twice a day, hoping for some miraculous price drop. The only thing that has kept me from seriously overdrawing my bank account to get one thus far is that they don’t offer them in purple. Then we’d be in trouble, kids.
It makes most things better. Bad pizza, especially. I was totally mystified when I got to college in Virginia to find that most purveyors of pizza offered ranch dressing with their pizza. How needlessly indulgent, I thought! But then I tried the pizza. Yipes, that stuff is bad. Also, most dressings can be used as a marinade, though I don’t know anyone other than my mom in 1988 cooking a strip steak that has ever done that.
On the mostly male tendency to espouse movie, tv, and general pop-cultury quotes:
Fellas, PLEASE, use quotes sparingly and with purpose. Most critically for those no longer in college…No one cares that you can remember the “Shampoo is better” speech from Billy Madison. Nor do we care that you remember the alternate lyrics to the venerable Biz Markie’s 1989 masterpiece, “Just a Friend”. I too, sir, was in six grade myself, but right now I’d really just like to hear Biz say “I asked her her name, she said blah, blah, blah”. Good rule of thumb, if you’re quoting for quotes’ sake, just don’t. It’s okay if you’re quoting within the context of a conversation. For example, someone reminds you of something you can’t get out of your mind, it’s okay to say “Stupid sexy Flanders!”. Or even a simple “Obeekaybee” for “okay”. Don’t just scream out “The yellow one is the sun!” when someone talks about science. Not everyone is a Brian Regan fan. Even if they should be.
On getting off my high horse:
It’s about time.
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