Georgia Rule (the only rule is it must be random)

I was going to write a long review of a pretty crappy movie I saw recently (Georgia Rule) but I decided it wasn't worth an actual review with plot and stuff, well because there wasn't much of a plot. I'll just say that Lindsay Lohan played herself, a bratty and promiscuous (let's face it, I really mean obnoxious and slutty) young lady (well, not so much a lady as sexual organs with legs) named Rachel, Felicity Huffman played her alcoholic momma, and Jane Fonda played her rather stern, but confused, gramma. I say confused because throughout the movie she made people put soap in their mouths when they took the "Lord's name in vain," but 5 minutes after being reunited with Lindsay, I mean Rachel, after 13 years, she tells her granddaughter to "go fuck yourself." Doesn't add up, unless Gramma is a little senile.

Randomness ensued.

Um, let's see. The village idiot falls in love with Lindsay, I mean Rachel, and wants to marry her after she gives him a BJ. He makes her go with him to tell his girlfriend, which wastes at least ten minutes of the movie. Wow, we get it, Lindsay, I mean Rachel, is hot stuff.

So Lindsay, I mean Rachel, gets into a fight with a 12 year old boy, who gets a boner while rolling around with her in the grass. Pointless part of the movie, unless it is supposed to show just how hot Lindsay, I mean Rachel, is supposed to be. Like it takes much for a 12 year old boy.

Also, Lindsay, I mean Rachel, is dressed in the ugliest clothes they could find, like denim booty shorts rolled up and white patent leather platform sandals. And tight, low cut tank tops. Is this girl from Sunset Blvd. or San Francisco? Again, we get it (pounded into our heads), Lindsay, I mean Rachel, is the hottest thing to hit Idaho since, well, the sun.

She likes poetry, which I guess is supposed to soften her character, but that is lame, lame, lame.

All of a sudden, the plot-that-never-was thickens! Lindsay, I mean Rachel, in a kind of battle- of-who-has-the-saddest-life with the town doctor (he lost his wife and son in a car accident) blurts out that her stepfather(played by Cary Elwes; let's call him Wesley, shall we?) started sleeping with her at the age of 12. Tough call on the winner of that battle.

The rest of the movie pretty much consists of the village idiot, the doctor, the senile gramma, and drunken momma trying to figure out if she was lying about the whole thing. I guess we were supposed to be figuring it out as well, but I didn't care. I knew we would be force-fed the truth eventually.

(Oh yeah, there is a tiny subplot about how Lindsay, I mean Rachel, was supposed to go to Vassar, but she fucked-up the paperwork. Big surprise. Even bigger surprise: Lindsay, I mean Rachel, who has been a druggie (she smoked crank, according to momma) and a general loser since the age 14, would be accepted into Vasser, who by their own account, is "very selective." Biggest surprise of all: that she would be accepted last minute; don't they have a wait list at that school?)

We meet the Ferrari-driving stepfather, who of course denies the whole thing. Oh yeah, gramma decides it would be best for Lindsay, I mean Rachel, to stay at the doctor's apartment. She tries to sneak into his bed and have sex with him. I think it was just an excuse to dress her in lingerie. At this point, I'm not sure if they are trying to convince us that she views everything as sexual because she was abused, or if we are supposed to sympathize with her step-Wesley, like maybe she came onto him, like she seems to come on to everybody, from the village idiot to the town doctor. I wouldn't think that about a 12 year old, but some people might.

Then Lindsay, I mean Rachel, tells momma that she was lying, secretly blackmails Wesley with the threat that a friend had hid in her closet and videotaped him and that if her mom ever finds out the truth she will take him to court for $10 million, and then sends momma on back to San Fran with Wes. Hubbinawah??? She wants her mom's happiness over justice? Seems kind of gross to let your mom live with a child molester, but that's not for me to say.

On the way home, momma asks where Wes's beloved Ferrari is. He offhandedly tells her that he left it in Idaho and that L, I mean R, can have it. This leads to momma's realization that L, I mean R, was telling the truth. She gets out, Wes yells at her that L, I mean R, came onto him (gross!) and that they will never be able to prove anything, and momma starts walking back toward Idaho.

All of a sudden, the village idiot's truck pulls up, carrying said idiot, senile gramma, the doctor, and L, I mean R; except they made her sit in the truck bed with the village idiot's much smarter dog, which I think is hilarious. She jumps out and runs to her momma, throwing her arms around her.

The end. I don't recommend this movie.

Well, look at that. The review ended up being long anyways.