Disney. Vacation?

I want to blog about my Disney "vacation," I really do. But just the thought of it is tiring, almost as tiring as the actual "vacation." I'm using quote marks because I've always thought of a vacation as something relaxing. But Disney is not relaxing at all. I knew going to the parks wouldn't be relaxing, but I didn't realize that there wouldn't be any time for non-park stuff, except for during the what little sleep I got. But I guess with 5 parks, 2 water parks, and the 2 Universal Studio parks, and and only 9 days in Florida, well I should have known. I got to swim one time in the pretty little pool outside our "lodge." Yeah, it was at 1 am, but I still got to swim! And it had that National Lampoon's feeling to it, only Chevy Chase and Christie Brinkley were nowhere to be found.

I think I'll do a top ten good and a top ten bad things about my Disney vacation, instead of a boring write up. Plus I have no pictures as of yet, so I can supplement any re-telling.

TOP TEN THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE ABOUT DISNEY AND/OR PEOPLE AT DISNEY:

1. The pointy little edge on the tv above the seat in the Disney shuttle from the airport. Because it looks really painful when you hit your head on it. Somebody's got a permanent Disney souvenir, and it's not a tattoo!

2. The mug they sell you at your resort, leading you to believe you can refill it anywhere at Disney, but in all actuality it only works at your resort's soda machine. And the soda machines are not even available 24 hours a day. C'mon if 7-11 can have 24-hour machines, can't you too Disney? It is pretty thirsty out when you drag your ass back from Magic Kingdom at 1 am!

3. Disney scans your fingerprints at the entrance of each park. I guess so you can't lend somebody else your room key (which doubles as your park ticket) because Disney would hate to lose even one entrance fee. Seriously, are they that hard up for money? Jeez. I don't want them having my fingerprints on file!

4. Employees who try to be funny. I asked a Disney guy at the safari ride how long it lasts, and he said "Two weeks." "No, really," I said, "how long is it?" He answered "Two weeks" again, but I guess he noticed my blank stare because then he said "Two weeks, but if you get a good driver, it feels like 20 minutes." Well, haha, asshole, I have reservations that I'd like to get to so I need to know how long the damn safari is. It's all in the delivery, mister, and yours sucks. Also, employees who don't deviate from the script, even just a little. Hee, boat ride lady, you are funny, but the joke you just told? The guy on the boat in front of you just told the same one, word for word. Only it was funnier when he said it.


5. We asked a couple of ladies in the lobby at our resort an excusable question about the United States Postal Service. We were greeted with a sympathetic look and a condescending, "Oh, are you from another country?" Well, actually, cruise line bitch lady, two of us are from another country and it is offensive that you feel sorry for us for that reason.

6. Disney is overwhelming. It can turn the best person into a Vacation Nazi. With all there is to do and see, and not enough hours in the day, somebody has to plan out the routes and the rides and wake everybody up at the butt crack of dawn. This person will be the least popular person of the group, but only until the plane touches back down in your hometown.

7. Having your own Vacation Nazi is bad enough, but when you run into another group's Vacation Nazi, it is even worse. Some asshole lady from New York hassled us in "line" for a ride called Soarin' at Epcot for not participating in a stupid game aimed at distracting guests from the fact that they are in a bull pen space, with no real discernible line mechanism, and plenty of hot smelly people with BO and gas. That same asshole lady, who was about 6 people behind us in "line" somehow ended up 10 people of ahead of us. I was glad to be rid of her, but alas, she wasn't far up enough for me to miss hearing her complain to a Disney employee about what? Well, people skipping her in line. WHA??? Lady, take a look at yourself, you big fat line skipper. You completely skipped us and that nice British family that were in town for 2 weeks. Bitch. Also? She told her daughter "don't fuck with me" and that she would break her teeth. In front of all of us.

8. People don't listen to simple instructions, and Disney employees don't explain why you are not supposed to do something. They just expect you to obey. On that same ride, Soarin', which is meant to make you feel like you are hang-gliding (a feat accomplished by seats that rise way up in the air in front of a huuuuge movie screen that shows scenery like the Golden Gate Bridge and other stuff. Nice!), an announcement was made that no flash photography was allowed, but that obviously was meant for the rest of us, not for the asshole a few rows down taking pictures with his flash. Well, that sort of ruins the ride. Maybe if the disembodied voice had explained the effects on the ride, or threatened to shut down the ride, the guy would have listened. I hope your pictures are all black, you jerk.

9. The other British family we encountered. They gave the waiter (he was our waiter too) a really hard time at the 50's Prime Time Cafe. This is supposed to be like a mom's kitchen from the 50's, complete with good table manners and old-school decor. It is a fun place, but the Britishersons kind of messed it up.

The family wanted all these substitutions for their kids' meals, like macaroni with no cheese, only butter. But a little bit of cheese on the side please, otherwise it will be too dry, thank you very much (this was after he brought it out with no cheese, as requested). Now, this probably doesn't sound too hard, but (a) they were on the same dining plan as us and there are rules for those, and (b) I imagine that with the huge amount of people they must feed in one day, a lot of the meals are prepackaged. But the thing that was most irritating, was the dad said to the waiter "I thought this was Americar, where you could get whatever you wanted." Well, dad, this isn't America, it's DISNEY. This all took the wind out of Big Brother Charley's (our waiter) sails, and after that he didn't have the strength to tell us to take our elbows off the table, or threaten us with Dad's presence.

10. I made all our dinner reservations ahead of time (back in June) during my small case of Vacation Nazism. In my defense, I just wanted to make sure we got to eat at good restaurants, as they book up quickly! I received confirmation numbers for all the restaurants, as well as for the two birthday cakes I ordered, for two separate days, to celebrate the aging of one of the members of our group. Well, the night we were supposed to eat in Japan (at Epcot) we wandered all around looking for our restaurant. It was nowhere to be found! After inquiring, we found out that they had been closed and anticipated a reopening, but for whatever reason didn't quite make it. But they didn't call to let me know! And the worst part is that they called the day before I left for vacation to verify my birthday cake order. What the hell? Call a person, let them know that you don't even exist right now. Luckily the super nice people in France (I know right!) let us eat at their place. And they brought out a delicious piece of cake for the birthday boy. I wasn't too upset because I knew I ordered another cake for the next night.

The next night, at the 50's Prime Time Cafe, when I checked in with the hostess, I told her "We should have a birthday cake for our table," which she confirmed with a quick nod of her head. I ran down to the store to get a camera to take pictures of the cake we would have. When I got back, I had to try to find our table. When I got there, Big Brother Charley lectured me for being late to dinner. Told you it was a fun place! Well after dessert ( you automatically get dessert as part of the plan) I mentioned to Big Brother Charley that we were supposed to also have a birthday cake. He went back and checked and couldn't find one! The manager came out and was all nervous like I was going to freak out on him, and told me that they didn't have one for us. I said "No problem, not your fault," but I was upset. Seriously! What is the point of confirmation numbers, when nothing is being confirmed?? Kudos to Big Brother Charley for scrambling to find a Disney birthday card in the back and having some of the waitstaff sign it. He also forced the remaining diners to join in a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday. It did help some. Thanks BBC!

Whew. I'm too tired to go into what I liked. I'll post that later.