Naked Lady Lipstick

My Aunt Tiny works part time at a nursing home caring for aged ailing senior citizens. Miss Annie, an 80ish lung-cancer survivor, is one of her favorite patients as she is the resident comedian for the Bryant Center. My aunt recently had to respond to a page regarding commotion coming from Miss Annie’s room a few weeks ago. When she got there, she found Miss Annie, wearing nothing but red lipstick regailing her visitors with stories of her many lovas she’d “taken” and how she could remember the names of every last one of them (At last count she hit 90, no Gene Simmons, but Erica Kane watch out). When questioned about about her mischevious behavior Miss Annie responded “the two things that have made me happiest in this life are my body and my red lipstick. It’s all any woman really needs.”

I tell my aunt, “I think that she’s (Miss Annie is) great.

Fast Forward two weeks.

The only fatalities at the intersection of Witchduck and Virginia Beach Boulevard this past Friday were an unfortunate traffic light pole and a 2005 Midnite Blue Pontiac Vibe. The deceased were victims of poor timing and being in the path of Otis (the drunk from the Andy Griffith Show). The Vibe momentarily lamented that the last song it played featured Young Jeezy and Christina Milian and had hoped for something more along the lines of Death Cab for Cutie or Rogue Wave. However, it’s death was not in vain as it saved the passengers contained inside which included two 27 year olds and an almost 2 year old.

When the light turned green, all I seen was white. I heard my room-mate scream at me but I had no time to move. In a literal flash there was only white, I was punched in the face. And I was spinning. I smelt gas, I could taste metal there were sparks near my feet. My godson screaming, things hissing, dizziness, slow motion and then quiet.

Has anyone seen the Volvo commercials? The new ones? I was in my own Volvo commercial.

“Sweety.. can you move??? I’ve got 911 on the phone --- talk to her”...
911: Are you pinned?
911: Are you bleeding?
911: Mam?? Mam?

These were my thoughts (in a non sequitur stream):

One night before I told someone my favorite R.E.M song was Radio Free Europe, because it wasn’t the obvious R.E.M song of Losing My Religion and MY favorite R.E.M song could not be an obvious choice. 11th grade High school: Ian licked his name into Mr. Tucker’s (spanish class) black board. How do you say neighborhood in Spanish? April 6th 2004: Larry’s getting on the plane for Arkansas. I’m not getting this goodbye right. It IS true that in art class there is always a 40 year old “MOM”. Mom, mom, holy cow - I didn’t tell her I I’m not sure if I wanted to be cremated or not?? Why did I have to show off this stupid rental car? If anything has happened to my best friend or her son I think I’ll just disappear. My best friend...the first time I met her she was twirling her keys talking to Nicole while crossing Hampton Boulevard. Are they okay?? Who hit me? Where are they? They left us? She left us?? She hit us and kept going?? She kept going!!! What happened? What is happening? My shoe is burnt, the plastic is melted. My bedroom is a mess. This shirt is a terrible choice for a car accident.

With a phone in my ear, I’m starting to come around again.

ME: dazed coming around: “What? Pinned? No. I have a headache. I’m scratched. I’m okay. I’m alive..I can’t hear you police are here. Thanks......”

Police are all around me now. People are all around. 10 people talking at me at once. In all the chatter a sequence evolved. My light turned green I went forward a few feet and a lady in a black lexus hit me (at about 40 to 50 mph), the light post, and kept going. She never lost speed. 10 minutes later she’s caught, and she’s been drinking.

I was amazed at people. People stopped. And something even more suprising they stayed. One family in her station wagon sat with us the entire time. Another mom and her son, called 911 and helped me carry my stuff out of the road. A third man in a Dakota followed the lady that hit us and led the police to her. I didn’t know how to thank them except giving them hugs. I have to be vague on the who’s and why’s because of impending court dates and anonymity but .... if you should ever stumble across OEF in your internet meanderings friends, you’re honorary members in my book.

I was told in the emergency room I was a very lucky lady. If I would have had a lead foot and moved a few seconds faster she would have hit my drivers side door at that speed and a destroyed rental car would have been the least of my worries.

I’ve been in a depressed “what’s the meaning of this accident funk” for the past Memorial-Day weekend.

I think it’s this. I’m hoping, I make it to 80 or 90, still silly and sassy wearing my red lipstick (not sure about naked). And I’m hoping I can take the whole gang along to laugh at me.