Open Letters to people or entities that are most unlikely to respond

This Idea is from McSweeney's

An open letter to the new neighbors two odd houses down that keep parking in both of my assigned parking spaces for my house leaving me to park a mile down the road in the Brith Shalom center.

September 7, 2006

Dear Sirs and Madams:

I first want to secretly wish you welcome to the neighborhood. However, this is not 1958 and I cannot bake so do NOT expect a basket of cookies or shortbreads accompanied with wine and a card attached. As you will quickly learn, this is not that kind of neighborhood. We do not chat. We communicate through a series of look away eye techniques and hand gestures that do not any way imply the preponderance of friendship.

With that being said, I spoke to the housing lady about parking rules, which apparently have not changed between the time I moved in and your move in date of last month. You get one space in front of your house and one space behind. And the space you are currently occupying is not in front of your house, but in front of mine. It’s easy to tell your house from mine my house number ends in 96 yours ends in 90 which is nearly 4 apartment spaces from mine. Another tell - tale sign is that if you try to put your key in my door it won’t open, being that is it not your domicile.

Everyday since your arrival I’ve had to park 3 blocks down the street in front of the Brith Sholom center. The people there have welcomed me; I’ve learned the ways of bingo, bonded with the elderly, and built up leg strength in my calves from walking so far. However I have a gym to exercise in equipped with tv’s, saunas, and swimming pools - so as much as I appreciate the walking; I’d love to park in front of my own home again.

I’ve told the housing office on you, which only resulted in the president of the realty company sending out a letter to every resident in the community speaking of warnings and parking rules and an impending bug spray. I tried leaving trash and beer bottles in front of my space to ward you away to which you only drove your car over, leaving broken glass and rubbish in front of my house.

I’d also like to thank you for running into the the other neighbors cars, I’m sure the single mother of 3 appreciated it when you backed your civic into her mini-van the other night. Yeah - I seen that. I also appreciated the thumpa thumpa of your loud music as your sit in your car and smoked until 4 a.m. in the morning.

I would walk up to you and tell you not to park in my space, but the barcode tattoo your girlfriend showcases on her upper arm looks like some sort of prison tattoo. She is tall and menacing and probably eats babies (kittens if she’s on the Atkins Diet.) I have seen you shopping in Farm Fresh without your shirt which shows a clear disrespect for even the simplest rule of wearing clothes while shopping.

Which leaves me no other option............ but to tell on you a second time. I’m sure the whole community will love being reminded of your miscreant behavior.

I hate going there, but I have a pair of Nikes and I will use them to walk right down the street to the realty office again.

Do NOT test my patience...
- “The Tigress”